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"That celebration continued uproariously until someone else emerged from the Greased Goose's entrance. She was an older woman with an apron, white hair and a sour disposition whose gaze focused on one person alone: poor old Frank. The front door to the tavern slammed open loudly enough that it got the attention of every patron who stopped what they were doing immediately." Seems out of order. Emerged> Description of the person> Description of how she emerged.
"She pulled back so easily at the first sign of trouble, that could have been one of the reasons, so I thought and thought correctly I did." He's working through his thoughts on why he bluffed, but the points don't really flow, and he never says "so that meant it might work" "The sun had long since set outside, but an older woman with an apron, white hair and a sour disposition." but an older woman what? There is no verb here. "she was staring deep into my eyes, eyes that commanded I not look away." Using eyes so close together implies that the eyes are the same, but you switch which ones you are referring to. "I began to understand during the walk through the desert and through the green hills and forest of trees." I began to understand during the entirety of the time we spent together. "“...Then I will fulfill that role!” Susan declared. “Although... I doubt someone else will take that from me.” I was still tired and in a daze when I felt a soft pair of lips touch upon my own." I feel like her qualification there with although kills the momentum of the scene into the kiss. 'I will fulfill that role' and then kissing just flows better. "As quickly as she had moved in, she slowly leaned back," As quickly... she slowly.