Chapter 2-15

Revisions (6)

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June 18, 2015 at 11:27:47 am by some editor
  (Current revision)

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June 13, 2015 at 6:33:18 pm by Anonymoose

"one of the goblins leaped onto my lap and hung off me by my neck like a miniature bar floozy." Basically that one Ba'el scene. Shut it down. He's creatively bankrupt.

"I could see the spirals in Rose and Susan's eyes; and judging by how the world was spinning, I'm pretty sure mine were too." weeb

"Ones that I'd no doubt be dealing with the PTSD for some time" Maybe strike this seeing as Laven has absolutely no PTSD.

"Once the ringing stopped" you never make reference to ringing before this

June 9, 2015 at 4:12:50 pm by some editor

"The wood finish creaking and on the verge of cracking from the vice-like grip she was clamping down with." everything after "and" doesn't make any sense

"They did everything short of ransack it and scared away the other customers who then in turn grabbed the guards." I think I may have garbled the intended meaning of this bit.

This whole flashback bit has an allegedly attached to it in every sentence, but if you aren't going to do anything with that like start a mystery or whodunit type situation then it's just annoying and boring language.

More later

June 9, 2015 at 9:28:46 am by some editor

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December 22, 2013 at 11:40:33 pm by Anonymoose

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September 12, 2013 at 10:25:22 am by Anonymoose