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"Even her in hands, which there was always steel" ? "A dangerous sharp point pressed inwards and violated me" aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHaaaaaaaaahhhhh "Susan wrapped her paws around my head and tilted her head down to press her face as close as she could against my groin." How is she holding his head while smashing hers into his dick? "Turning her neck to look at me, to see my face and hear the reply she wished to hear, I leaned over and kissed her" The first 2 parts refer to Susan, but the subject of actual sentence is Laven. "once again/more" and "finally" show up a million times in this chapter. Consider finding and deciding whether each of them are really needed. "The very air I felt on every strand of hair resting on goosebumps across my entire person" the very air what? You don't say it does anything. "sliding between the intercrural-like area between their two pussies" Intercrural means between thighs. Pussy has nothing to do with it. "I'm sad you did not get a chance to play with your big sister, Laven~ But I'm sure you'll have some fun in the near future." Will this ever come back? "While twisted into a mess with the two of them fighting and struggling with my hands on their breasts and butts and other embarrassing unmentionables their hands and feet were as well I could do nothing but sigh." what?
"she tore my shirt off with one quick movement. That ripping sound of fabric" Isn't this shirt ripped for Chris later? "Just as I felt the strength from my arms fade away, and they were about to rise on their own and wrap around Rose" First line fights the second. "but that was futile my own words got caught in my throat." Pick either futile or caught in my throat. Either works but they don't work together. "Small, soft and pink nipples" >pink nipples on an Egyptian Honey. Immersion ruined. "she pulled herself onto the bed with the last of her strength" last of her strength? I feel like you need to check every instance of strength in this chapter and replace it with a synonym for willpower. "towards Rose and me. Rose, not to be outdone, kept up with her" First says Rose is with Laven. Second says she is with Susan. "Susan's paw's grabbed hold of me as she pulled herself on top of me, and Rose's claws did the same as she held me down" Rose's claws pulled her on top of him? Even with Susan in the way? "with a soft smile on her face back down the bed to my wait and without an ounce of patience" what? "The tip of her razor teeth playfully scrapped and stimulated the sensitive skin" aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh "my balls pulsated and scrunched in anticipation" I know they actually do that but scrunched is a very unsexy verb. "puckered" tuckered? "I felt the soft and wet sensation of a cheek as it rubbed against the side of my shaft and a tongue coil up and press against the tip. Susan, the calm, calculating and rational anubis had swallowed my dick to its base, and I felt the back of her throat." You describe shallow features as hitting the tip of the penis then say she had taken it to the very back. "she didn't pull back and slowly pulled back her head and then swallowed it completely again" she didn't then the did More notes next
