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Chapter 5-3

Revisions (8)

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February 3, 2023 at 2:32:22 pm by Anonymoose
  (Current revision)

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June 19, 2014 at 1:58:51 am by Anonymoose
   

"my red matter, my muscles" Clever but lame. I recommend changing this whole bit to "my red flesh" which implies either muscles or heated skin which both work. This way it's less make a joke then explain the joke.

"Feeding it with something outside of it was a good way to keep it occupied." So many pronouns and figurative language that I have lost track of what this actually means.

"That boy is... me" Technically I, but I would not begrudge you for keeping it as me.

"where mia madre" I don't know Spanish, but I think this might be mi madre.

"He turns away and while gathering some ingrediants, and leaving the knife where it is, he mutters under his breath," This is too much. You need to thin this out or separate it better.

Maybe it's because he is talking down to her, but this conversation when Laven is ~12 is too kiddy and naive.

June 18, 2014 at 4:12:47 pm by some editor
   

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June 17, 2014 at 11:14:25 pm by Anonymoose
   

"but not that I had heard it, it was all I could hear."

This confuses me.

June 17, 2014 at 10:35:32 pm by monitor
   

“You never even told you: "told me you were". Possible You never even said you

June 17, 2014 at 9:50:02 pm by monitor
   

I had to foresight to prepare: the
Be seat: seated

June 17, 2014 at 9:45:41 pm by monitor
   

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June 17, 2014 at 9:16:02 pm by Anonymoose